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In the last Life Coaching entry I gave a brief description of Life Coaching, why it is important and how it differs from counseling. I received a lot of positive and supportive comments. Thank you!

I’ve often noticed that when people think of Life Coaching they equate it with positive thinking. They are related however there is much more to Life Coaching than positive thinking. I agree that, in general, it’s helpful to see the cup as half full rather than half empty. However, there can be a danger in this approach if one covers up what he or she is actually feeling and thinking with positive thinking. I call this a “spiritual by-pass”. Let’s say I get laid off from my job and naturally I am upset about it. I can tell myself that everything is ok, don’t worry be happy. I can tell myself not to be upset because that’s negative. It might work but more often than not it won’t because I am not honoring the part of me that is upset. I’m not being true to myself.

Life Coaching is about honoring and integrating all parts of ourselves. If I want to live an authentic life I need to experience my experience, which means feel all my feelings fully, positive and negative. With practice you begin to realize that you are not your thoughts – you develop faith in feeling the feelings you don’t enjoy as an avenue to experience joy on the other side. Once I have fully felt my upset I remind myself that I can choose where to focus my thoughts in relation to this feeling. When I forget that I have the ability to choose my response (or response-ability), I will know because I fall into automatic reactionary mode. Indications of this include making the other person wrong, making the situation wrong or making myself wrong. There’s nothing wrong with that. (There’s nothing wrong period, but that’s a subject for a future blog entry.) It just means that nothing will shift, I will have less response choices and I have lost an opportunity to grow.

On the other hand, if I do remember that I have the ability to choose my response then I pause and take a breath. I call this, “the power of the pause”. After a breath I ask myself, “what universal value am I yearning for right NOW?” In this example, the answer might be “stability, to be seen as competent and financial freedom”. Now I will take 10 seconds (feels like an hour sometimes) and focus on those universal values. I repeat to myself a few times: “I have a yearning for competence, stability and financial freedom.” Now, the so-called problem, being laid off, hasn’t changed. However, I now feel physically lighter, I’m energized and more response options arise. Again, this gets easier with practice and it is usually easier with to with the support of another person.

So, instead of simply telling myself that everything is ok I feel the negative feelings fully. Next I ask myself, “what is important to me here?” I know that what I focus on expands so I focus on my universal values instead of making myself, the situation or the other person wrong. Then a shift happens and more options on how to deal with the situation arise.

For a strange example of how automatic I can fall into reactionary mode pleas read my letter to the editor under the title “Customer Service Blues” or “Life is But a Dream” in the Dec. 31 edition of Village Soup.

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